The Sailor Tryouts
by Khisanth
Summary: In response to Shinigami's challenge... ^_^; Yaoi references (a little bit o' 2x5 and 2x1, 3x4) but no real citrus, characters wildly OOC, clichés out the arse... you get it.


__ __

_((This fic was written in response to Shinigami's challenge... in case we've forgotten the specifics:___

_Involving either 2x3 or 2x5... >:)_   
_Must use --_   
_ Spray paint_   
_ Hair gel_   
_ Cheese pizza_   
_ Sailor Moon costumes_   
_Lines involved:_   
_ "Eww! Duo no baka! Put your pants back on right now!"_   
_ "Oh my god! Get that outta there!"_   
_ "I stand for love and cheese pizza! In the name of Shinigami!"___

_... Enjoy. ^_^;;))_

---   
Standard Disclaimer: If I owned the G-boys, they sure-as-hell wouldn't be piddling around in a piece of... er, work like this. >:) They belong to other, luckier, and richer people than I (note that I didn't say 'better'). ^_~   
---   
  
  


"The Sailor Tryouts"

_Yaoi references (3x4, a little bit o' 2x5 and 2x1) but no real citrus, characters wildly OOC, clichés out the arse... you get it. ^_^;_   


The van zoomed down the road, passing police cars like they were standing still. While the driver maintained perfect concentration on the road and his surroundings, the other occupants of the vehicle weren't so pleased with his... er... driving skills...   
"AAH! We're gonna die!"   
A half-hearted laugh. "This from the Perfect Soldier?"   
Heero glared at Duo. "Back off, braid-boy--"   
He was cut off by _Wufei _cutting off one last Corvette... then the 90-degree turn at 80 mph sent Heero -- as well as the other pilots -- into the passenger-side window with a thud.   
"Wufei, slow down already!" Quatre cried. "I believe it's important that we remain _alive_ for the duration of this mission!"   
"Quit your whining, weakling!" the boy responded tiredly, turning into a parking lot... still doing 80...   
Several cries of pain, three 'omae o korosu's, ten groans, an uncountable amount of curses, and five yelps of fear later, Wufei had managed to park the poor van in a manner Ace Ventura would have been proud of (the words 'like a glove' come to mind. *cough*). Once the G-boys managed to right themselves and crawl out of the wreckage, they headed for the back to grab their duffels and get into the studio building. Their current mission was to pass their auditions, and they mustn't be late...   
"Oh my god! Get that outta there!" an enraged female voice snarled. A girl with long, purple-black hair was glaring at them all from behind the wheel of her car. "This is _my_ parking spot, morons! Get your nasty, beat-up..." she frowned, searching for proper adjectives... "TIN CAN... out of it!"   
The boys looked at each other, shrugged simultaneously, and resumed grabbing their belongings. "Chill out, crazy onna," Wufei grunted in her direction. "I didn't see your name on the spot, anyhow."   
"Oooh!" she sighed in frustration as they continued to ignore her. "I'm calling security to tow your asses!" she hissed, driving off.   
"Who cares? It was stolen anyhow," Duo said with a grin. His expression turned suddenly thoughtful, and he turned to Heero. "Hey, would you happen to know how to hotwire_ her _car?"   
The boy in question merely smirked, shouldering his bag. "Of course. Now let's get in there and audition, already."   
Wufei smiled absently. "I've never driven a Mustang before--"   
"And you're not going to get the chance now!" the other four pilots snapped, shooting various degrees of Death Glare at the Chinese boy.   
He sighed. "Injustice."   
They headed for the building.

A group of chattering girls was at the front desk, gibbering on and on about being in a TV show. Once they were on their way, the boys approached the counter.   
"Where ya headed?" she asked, not even looking up at them.   
"We're looking for... uh, the 'Sailor Moon' tryouts," Quatre answered.   
"Okay, 'Sailor Moon' auditions," the receptionist said, popping her gum as she spoke. "Wait -- y'all _did _remember to bring costumes for your chosen character, right?"   
Five nods.   
"Right. Guys' dressing rooms are down the hall and to the right," she said, dismissing the boys with a wave of the hand and a snap of the gum. They headed in the direction she'd indicated, weaving through groups of girls as they went. The halls were full of them, bursting with dreams of stardom.   
"'Sailor Moon'?" Duo asked with a shake of the head. "What the hell kind of name is that for an anime?"   
"The full title, from what I've been able to research, is 'Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon'," Heero supplied in monotone. "It is highly classified for some reason... supposed to follow the adventures of a blonde ditz that saves the world once a day."   
"Cute. Are we here to play bad guys or something?"   
"We won't know until we open these duffels," Quatre said.   
"Tell me again -- why are we doing this?" Duo sighed.   
"Blame it on our orders," Wufei said. "Our instructions clearly read for us not to open the bags until we were ready to change. Perhaps they contain things that civilians shouldn't see... maybe something to help us get the parts." He shrugged as they entered the madhouse that was the boy's dressing area. "We'll know in a minute," he said, nabbing the nearest cubicle so that he could change. The boys split up for the moment.

After casual questioning, it seemed that even the males were anxious to audition. Rumor had it that only the hottest bishounen would make it onto the show... of course, the G-boys would be a shoo-in. Right?   
Quatre admired Trowa in the mirror. "You're going to make a _great_ Malachite."   
"Have you got your lines for Zoicite?"   
The blonde rolled his eyes. "Get this." He held his hand aloft, then opened it, revealing a grayish-purple prism-type crystal. "ZOI!" he yelled, striking a pose. Light clapping and a catcall brought him back to his senses, however, and Quatre found his seat quickly, blushing. "That's his token attack," he said with a shrug.   
Trowa was no longer paying attention, however. His mouth quirked into a smile, then an all-out grin, and he promptly collapsed, hands over mouth to stifle giggles that rippled through his body. Quatre quickly went to his aid, but stopped as his eyes focused on Trowa's source of mirth...   
"Stop laughing, Barton. Omae o korosu," Heero said flatly, scowling with all his might behind white-rimmed glasses. His tuxedo was freshly pressed, his top hat was lint-free, and he held a cane in one hand. In the other was a single rose... but you could see his trigger finger twitching uncontrollably. With a grunt, he whirled -- the cape turned a simple pivot into a whirl, mind you -- and stalked back to the cubicle he'd changed in, muttering to himself the whole way. "Can't kill... important to mission..."   
As the other two pilots stood, Duo tossed his bag down onto an empty chair and began rummaging through it. "You wouldn't believe the line in that bathroom," he said with a sigh of relief. Looking up at Quatre and Trowa briefly, he smirked. "Nice costumes, guys. Who're y'all supposed to be?"   
Quatre held up his crystal-thingy again. "Zoicite. You couldn't tell?"   
The braided wonder shrugged, still rifling through his bag. "I haven't had time to look over all the parts... I kinda figured I'd just walk up to the judges, bat my eyes, wiggle my ass, and be handed the contract."   
Trowa rolled his eyes. "I'm supposed to be 'Malachite', and it seems Heero was supposed to be 'Tuxedo Mask'. However, I believe he'll be changing his character soon if that kid auditioning for 'Jedite' doesn't back off..." He winced, watching the blonde boy making fun of the Wing pilot for whatever reason...   
Quatre walked to Duo's side and peered down into the bag. "What are you looking for?"   
"The pants to this outfit. I can't seem to find 'em," he said, frustrated.   
"Well," the blonde began slowly, "what_ do_ you have in there?"   
Duo began pulling items from the bag. "A can of yellow spray-paint, a bottle of mousse, some hair gel, hair spray, hair ties -- geez, this one must take a lot of work, huh? Brush, box of clips -- A-ha!" He pulled out a few fabric-type items and headed for a nearby cubicle. "Be right back!"   
Quatre frowned and peered into the bag. A pair of boots, some gloves, an amulet, and a big bow greeted him. _Uh-oh._ Locating the paper with Duo's lines on it, he quickly scanned through them...   
A cry from the cubicle confirmed his suspicions, and the door flew open, revealing an angry Duo -- in nothing but his boxers -- storming toward Quatre and the duffel. "Eww!" the blonde cried. "Duo no baka! Put your pants back on right now!"   
Duo grabbed the bag, stuffed the removed items back into it, and shot Quatre his best Somebody's-Gonna-Die-A-Slow-Horrible-PAINFUL-Death-Glare. "I would put my pants on... if this outfit came with a pair!" Stalking back into the cubicle, he slammed the door behind him, muttering various curses meant for the Doctors that had sent him there in the first place.   
The other boys in the room blinked.   
More muttering from somewhere else in the room was drowned out in the normal chatter -- that is, until the owner of the voice entered the room. A girl, obviously trying out for the part of 'Queen Beryl', stepped carefully out of her cubicle. Her hair, long and flaming red, rippled down her back as she made her way through the throng of dumbstruck males. The purple-blue dress she wore dragged on the ground slightly, even though she held it up for that reason. Her deep black eyes were accented lightly with purple shadow, and her nails were painted a shade of eggplant to go with the rest of the outfit.   
Before anyone could ask for her phone number (much less what the hell she was doing in a room full of half-nekkid bishounen -- not all of them used the little rooms to change...), Duo's cubicle door flew open once more. What stepped out was clearly NOT Duo, however... it was another girl. Long blonde hair hung in two enormous ponytails from a pair of buns atop her head, and violet eyes danced with... fury? Her sailor outfit accented her curves nicely, and boy did she ever have legs. She held an amulet in one gloved hand, and the other was balled into a fist. The crescent-moons on her red go-go boots matched her earrings and the one in the middle of her forehead perfectly.   
Girl regarded girl in the silence of the dressing room.   
"You too, Maxwell?" the redhead asked in Wufei's gruff voice.   
Duo nodded.   
"They will pay for this."   
Another nod.   
Suddenly, a figure of authority entered the room -- one of the judges. He clapped his hands for attention... not that he needed to shut anyone up anyhow. "Now that you're all in costume, we have lunch prepared. Get to know your fellow auditioners, take your mind off of the auditions, and mingle, gentlemen --" He blinked at the 'girls'. "Hey! Ladies are most certainly NOT to be in the boys' dressing rooms!"   
With a sigh of resignation, Wufei exited the room, muttering scathing oaths against everything that breathed. Duo followed soon after, mulling over various ways to kill a 60-year-old scientist and not get caught.

"I can't eat this," Wufei said with a sigh. "I just did my nails." He smoothed his wig absentmindedly and surreptitiously checked to see if his breasts were straight.   
For the second time that day, Trowa collapsed, trying his damnedest not to laugh. Quatre blushed enough for the both of them.   
Heero chewed his pizza in silence. _Mmm... cheese._ he brushed a now-blonde lock of hair from his eyes and wiped crumbs from the front of his gray shirt... luckily for him, the kid making fun of him from before was just his size. It was also lucky that Duo had had just enough yellow spray paint left over to dye his hair the correct color for 'Jedite'... Not to mention the fact that his whole audition would consist of merely a small rant about getting 'power for the Negaforce' and an evil laugh. _Nothing like 'Darien's gush of supposed love for Sailor Baka..._   
The boy in question, over his own portion of cheesy goodness, looked over the sheet Quatre had handed him. "Moon Healing-- hey, is this 'Elimination' or 'Activation'?" he asked Wufei with a nudge.   
The boy took the paper and rolled his eyes, grumbling under his breath about the mission in general. "It's too blurred to tell. Just pick one."   
Nodding, the formerly-braided wonder continued practicing lines under his own breath.

_ (Just then, since the authoress got tired of writing, she decided to insert an obstacle at random...)_

Several Mary-Sues burst into the mess hall, squealing and chasing after the G-boys in costume.   
"Holy crap!" Quatre blurted, jumping onto the table and dragging Trowa with him. "They're after us!"   
"What the-- ?!" Duo yelled as a pair of hands got a little too close to his hair for comfort. Gathering his ponytails, he hid behind Wufei's dress. "Help me, Wu-chan!"   
"Call me that again and I'll throw you to them," the Chinese pilot snapped. Then, to the screaming mob, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?"   
"Stop yelling, Wu-chan!" a blonde girl with strange braids cried.   
"You know you want us!" another chick cried -- this one with bangs so long, she looked like a half-done Cousin Itt.   
"We're made to be irresistible!" a cute Aryan blonde added, flaunting her... well, assets and blowing obvious kisses at Trowa. The green-eyed pilot stared numbly until Quatre smacked him in the head angrily, reminding him of where he was. Trowa blushed... until another wink caught his attention again...   
"What do we do?" Duo wailed. "Hey, hands off!" he snapped as a few of the Sues got fresh with his fuku. They giggled.   
"You're Sailor Moon, moron," Wufei snapped irritably. He hated it when women whined. He hated it even more when _men_ whined... or those _perceiving_ themselves as men, anyhow. "Have you tried any of your 'moves' yet?"   
He shook his head, and a funny look crossed his face. "So what, you're saying I make like a ditzy blonde and inadvertently save the day while whining to go home the whole time?"   
"HEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOO!!!" someone wailed. The rest of the mob took up the chorus quickly...   
Heero actually 'eep'ed and yanked Duo out from behind Wufei's skirt, taking his place just as quickly. "Think of it as audition practice!" he cried as he dove.   
Duo glared at the crowd. "You people make me sick! You've interrupted our whole lunch to proclaim the fact that _you're_ our one-true-loves without even asking _our_ opinions first!"   
Quatre nodded in agreement. "Damn straight!" He turned to his drooling lover, frowned, then dove for the flirty blonde in the crowd. "Trowa is _mine_, bitch! Back off!" he roared as a fight ensued.   
Trowa, rather OOC (a natural side effect of his dazed state), gave a sigh of contentment. "Qua-chan, my hero!" He grinned dreamily.   
"Exactly!" Duo crowed, pointing at the pair. "See, raging mob?"   
"So does this mean that you and Heero...?" a girl with a braid to match Duo's own asked disconcertedly.   
He nodded his now-blonde head eagerly. "And Wu-chan's been in on it for a month now."   
Wufei paled. "Kisama! No, I--"   
"Do you honestly want fifty girls chasing you out of here as the only single pilot?" Heero hissed, tugging at his skirt.   
The nouveau rouge shut up. _The injustices I must suffer in order to survive..._   
A group of about thirteen girls in karate _gi_s frowned. Their spokes-girl, armed with a katana, challenged the proclamation. "Wait. I've read enough fan fiction to know that Wu-chan--"   
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"   
"-- is the only straight one out of the lot of you!" She and her cohorts glared haughtily at Duo.   
Pause.   
"If it'll make them go away," Wufei muttered, stepping forward. He grabbed Duo's arm and pulled him into a sound kiss before the entire mob.   
Silence... except for various grunts and yelps coming from the direction of the cat-fight-over-Trowa...   
"Damn, Wufei," Heero whistled, forgetting himself in the moment. Quickly realizing that a Perfect Soldier would never say something like that, he recomposed himself and reached for his gun... only to again realize that his outfit wasn't spandex. There was no place for him to have hidden a gun in the first place; therefore, he couldn't just shoot the ringleaders and get the crowd to leave_ that_ way. The _gi_-wearing group stepped down, however, looking quite abashed.   
"Thanks, Wu-chan," Duo said dryly after they'd separated, blushing.   
"Mind wrapping this up?" Heero growled irritably, already missing his pistol terribly. _The pizza is getting cold_, he noted sadly.   
"Right," Duo nodded. Taking the tiara from his head, he held it by the jewel in its center... then he took the (classic) Sailor Moon pose.   
More silence, if you ignore the fight again... Duo just stood there, blinking in thought.   
"Forgot your lines, didn't you?" Heero asked.   
"Yeah," Duo said with a blush, dropping the pose and tapping his head.   
"Ad-lib, baka!" Heero snapped as the crowd of girls began to chitter once more....   
"Fine!" Duo responded with a glare, which he turned quickly onto the mob of Mary-Sues. "You have interrupted us for long enough! I stand for love... and cheese pizza," he added, wincing as his stomach growled angrily. "In the name of Shinigami, I shall punish you!" he yelled, holding the tiara in a ready position. "Moon... Tiara... Magic!" he cried, throwing it.   
... it clattered to the floor. Wufei smacked himself in the forehead as the crowd burst into laughter.   
One of the more daring girls picked the tiara up carefully. "Hey, I'm keepin' this as a souvenir--" She stopped talking as she began to glow. "Hey! What the hell!" she cried, reaching out to her friend for support as she started to fall. Mary-Sue after Mary-Sue clung to a nearby fellow to stay upright, and they all disappeared in a flash of light soon after, leaving the tiara to float in midair on its own.   
The G-boys stood, gaping openly.   
"Holy crap, did I just do that?" Duo asked breathlessly. The tiara floated before him, and he plucked it from the air effortlessly. When he didn't disappear in a bright flash of light, he assumed it was okay to place in his hair once more.   
"Yes, you did," Quatre said, brushing his costume off. "Dammit, and I didn't even get to finish that punk girl, either..."   
"You were wonderful!" Trowa gushed, leaping from the table and scooping his Quatre into a hug.   
The crowd of auditioners, finished with Blink-Fest '00, gave a standing ovation for the boys' performance. At that point, the administrators and judges, finished with their conference off to the side, approached them as a group.   
"For your bravery in getting rid of those menaces to society, we'd like to offer you honorary parts in our anime," their spokesman said tentatively. "We're sure you'll fill them nicely, being male or female," he added with a quick wink to Duo and Wufei.   
"Mission accomplished," Heero muttered.   
"Accomplished? You sure?" Duo asked. "All right!" With an evil grin to the chosen administrator, he said, "In that case, thanks but no thanks. Seeing as to how we no longer have any obligation to this travesty of an anime, we have some important business to take care of... involving at least two old men and several implements of torture. Possibly five old men -- we'll figure it out on the way to their secret hideout. Come on, guys, it's time for some revenge. They never said we couldn't turn the parts down once we'd gotten them."   
The G-boys filed out of the room with a collective sigh of relief.

A long sigh of despair filled the air of the mess hall as the occupants returned to their former conversations. "I wish I could be more like her... she's so strong and capable..."   
"Shut up, Serena. You're such a baby sometimes, I swear..."   
"Am not, Rei!"   
"Are too!"   
"Am not! Take it back!"   
"Are too." That one was accompanied by a razz.   
"WAAAH! You're so mean to me! I'll never make the role of Sailor Moon and I'll never get to be a star and I'll never--"   
"Shut up already, crybaby!"   
"-- and it's all because of your lack of encouragement!"   
"No, it's all because you never study."   
More sniffling, more whining...

"... look, kid. If we give you the part, will you stop babbling and get out of here?"   
"REALLY? Oh, thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!! Oh, will Rei be ticked when I give her the good news!" The blonde bounced out of the room quickly, lest the man change his mind.   
"Oh, Kami, what have I done?" He allowed his head to fall into his hands wearily.

---

**Follow-up:**

Of course, the regular SM peeps got their parts. ^_^ Heh.   
Duo exacted revenge against Dr. G by taking pictures of him in a ballet tutu... and all he had to do was sneak into his room at night with a camera. ¬_¬;   
Wufei exacted revenge against Master O by dyeing his uniforms pink. It was sneaky, it was cruel, and some could call it dishonorable -- if they felt like listening to his hour-long rant on how the 'eye for an eye' principle applied to their situation.   
Quatre has since located the Mary-Sue with her eyes on Trowa... and completely kicked her ass. Kinda figures -- don't mess with the kid, on or off Zero. O.o...   
Trowa has reaffirmed Quatre's faith in him and apologized in many different ways -- and positions -- for his lapse in fidelity.   
Heero has yet to act against Dr. J. However, he _has_ been working (along with Duo) to break Wufei's straight tendencies... ^_^; (Poor Qua-chan's carpeting is now a brilliant shade of crimson...)

**END (of the story...)**

**_Assorted notes/running commentary:_**   
_ 'nouveau rouge' means 'new red', I believe (can't quite trust these French II skills yet). ^_^; It's in reference to Wu-chan, of course... Personally, I think he'd look good as Beryl. >:)_   
_ Wow, Duo changes into costume fast, doesn't he?_   
_ No, I'm not fond of Mary-Sues. O.o..._   
_ I realize there is plenty of ?x5/5x? fanfic out there. That particular group wasn't very well read... or it refused to admit the truth. ::shrug::_   
_ Yeah, this sucks. I'm not expecting many reviews, so I'll hold off bugging people for them until I write something serious. ^_^___

** -- Khisanth :)**

**_Boredom is truly a drug in a class by itself._**


End file.
